Documentation of fatherhood insanity: Week 18: Earthquake? Hurricane? Try sleep training.

Open letter to Samson:

Dear Samson,

This is your Mom and Dad. We think that 18 years from now you might want to go to college. Maybe you’d like to attend summer camp. Maybe you want to borrow 50 bucks. If any of this interests you – we kindly request that you START SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT! Thank you.

Sincerely,

Your parents who cannot function at their jobs properly without consistent sleep

Things we have learned

- It is only mildly, nay, seriously gross that Sammy’s insane amount of drool is now finding its way into my arm hair

- Do you think that if we told people Samson has great, moist skin they’d buy that it wasn’t drool smeared all over his face? What’s going to happen when he starts eating solid food? I’m truly terrified.

- I have now seen the “forward poop”. No more explanation will be provided.

1. The term : “Foop”

F-oop

1. –noun

Usually, a surprise poo that ….. well, you get the picture.

Example: Holy cow, I think Milton just fooped. Holy cow.

- Leg through crib side rail = bad. At least I’m pretty sure it is. Head pressed up against side rail? probably bad too.

- Samson is clearly Danielle’s son – this kid won’t stop talking. To himself.

- I can officially not fit my hand around Samson’s thigh. Just saying…

- While he won’t remember – Samson will have lived through an earthquake and a hurricane AND sleep training in 1 week!

- I’m thinking of making a Sleep Training video (like from that smug bastard - remember he's my arch nemesis - from “Happiest Baby on the Block made). Here is what we now know about the process:

o Step 1: Mentally prepare yourself for the extreme trauma of letting your child cry themselves back to sleep. At 2am.

o Step 2: Have a wife that will guilt you into letting your child figure it out themselves. It helps if she can summon the "Jewish grandmother guilt" normally reserved for such crimes as not cleaning up your mess or failing to take out the recycling (for 4 days).

o Step 3: Tell your nanny that if she could kindly inform your child that we’d appreciate if he went back to sleep on his own it we would be of great service.

o Step 4: Plan a trip so obscene (like traveling to Walmart in Arkansas at 4am and returning at 12am) that even if you wanted to get up to do “The Rollover”, you will be so dead tired there’s no chance of you doing it.

o Step 5: PRAY!

- Sleep training is working! Sammy slept until 5:30am on Friday morning and then until 6:30am Saturday morning! WOOHOO!!!

- Things that suck: power failures in New York during summer.

- Sometimes when I’m changing Sammy’s diaper he grabs his feet and pulls them back to his head. Why does it feel like he’s aiming?

- It’s official: Boob trumps shots. Here’s how the most recent round of shots went:

o Dr. Brand: Danielle, why don’t you try feeding him while I give him the [GIANT] needle

o Danielle: Sure!

o Sammy: Early snack?!?! SWEET!!!

o Sammy: *MilkMilkMilkMilkMilkBoobMilk…..[Dr. Brand inserts needle]… MilkMilkMilkMilkMilk…..OUCHOUCHOUCH…..[pause…thinking…]MilkMilkMilkMilkMilk….

- I feel like when I was a kid we played with things like egg cartons, empty toilet paper rolls or blocks. Samson gets this gigantic space ship called an exersaucer....what happened to the simpler things in life?

- This is less about Sammy and more about Danielle and I: Is it sad that Danielle and I prepared for the hurricane in the following way: She bought a pack of cheese and I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. We were both independently thinking it would be "terrible" if we lost power and had to eat all the perishable food.

Statistics we are keeping track of:

- Height: 27" (95th percentile!)

- Weight: 17 lbs. 6oz (90th percentile!)

- Head size: 50th percentile (come on head - catch up!)

- # of times Danielle acknowledged that I was right: 1

- Number of times I turned to Kenia (our nanny) and said: "I think he likes you more than us!": every freaking day (so 4)

- # of hours sleeping on tummy: 7!

- most consecutive hours slept in the last 2 weeks: 5! Oh, glorious 5!

Major developmental progress of the week:

- Rolling over from back to stomach - and pulling the second hand out from under him

- Sleeping on tummy

- Holding his own bottle

Quote of the week:

"Josh, I have one of Sammy's boogers in my hand and I'm feeding him. Can you take it and throw it out? [taking booger - remember last week: picking out your kids boogers = love] Now that you have it, what if I told you it wasn't his?"

Pictures for your amusement:

Sammy's space machine

Seriously - Am I supposed to feel better about what's inside this diaper just because they put some clouds and a pretty sun on it? Pampers - I want a diaper that shows the fires of hell.