Documentation of fatherhood insanity: 2012

Things I have learned:

You know you are old when the stamp that's still on your hand on Sunday morning is not from a club or some cool new bar, but rather it is from the Children's Museum. And boy was it rocking.

So I think Sammy was upset when Sabbah and Savtah left after their last visit. They left while he was napping. And when he woke up? All hell broke loose.

Samson: Sabbah?

Josh: Sabbah and savtah had to go home.

Samson: Nooooooooooo. Nooooooooo! No!No!No!

This was followed by a half hour of "you are not Sabbah or savtah" crankiness.

Note: Apparently a carseat is not a robbery deterrent in the Bronx. Thank you, person that got broken glass into the carseat while breaking our window. I hope you enjoy the broken GPS you stole. Just outside of the Bronx zoo. In broad daylight.

I guess he'll eat almost anything? Strangest food combo I've seen Samson eat: olives and grapes. The look of confusion was priceless. But they were eaten nonetheless.

It's hard to keep track of Sammy's favorite foods. They change so frequently. The post-apple picking obsession lasted almost 3 weeks. All he wanted was apples. Then we had some challah. Life turned into "Challah, Challah, Challah". Recently we saw a pear. Now it's "pearpearpear". And we should never forget "NOODLES!!! (code for mac and cheese). Dude - make up your mind! I need to know what to bribe you with so you will eat the things you try to avoid (yogurt, cottage cheese, a variety of other healthy things).

I look at Samson and marvel at how much he's really taking in. When we pull up to people's houses or walk by them, he actually shouts for the people who live there. Literally, we pulled up to Aunty Monica's building (which looks like a million others) and he shouts "Mon-Ca! Mon-Ca!". We drove through downtown Riverdale and when we got to Ilana's street I hear "Wana! Wana!" Simply incredible.

Sammy likes our neighbors. A LOT. How do I know? Let me recount some of what's been going on.

- Whenever Samson hears any door or open/close or the elevator door close he yells "WOWA!!!!!" (Nora, our 4 year neighbor)

- When he comes home, instead of going to our door, he goes to their door and starts knocking on it "knock, knock"

- When that door finally does open, there's no waiting for an invite in. He charges in like he owns the place and begins taking out toys.

- Actual (abridged, believe me) conversation Sammy and I had this week. We have many like this:

Samson: Rach-el

Josh: Yes, Sammy. Rachel lives next door

Samson: Rachel

Josh: Yes, Rachel is your friend

Samson: Wea (Lea)

Josh: Lea also lives next door

Samson: Rachel

Josh: Yes, we know Rachel

Samson: WO-WA (Nora)!!!!!!

Josh: Nora is also your friend. Maybe you will see her later.

Samson (running to the front door): WOWA! WOWA! WOWA! WOWA! WOWA! WOWA!

We have a Multi-syllabic baby. Is that even a word? It has many syllables.

Is it wrong that when we were at the park a few weeks ago I got Sammy to chase pigeons? He ran after them for 5 minutes yelling "get birds!" Don't worry. No pigeons were hurt in the making of this story.

Sammy also sometimes chases squirrels. I'd like for them to keep running away since I'd prefer to avoid getting him rabies shots.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sammy no longer likes Cheerios. That has been the primary motivational, calmer downer and all around excellent tool we have! Now what? Ok - I give up. Uncle.

We're working on the colors here. It's going....ok? We've mastered them about 20% of the time. For some other inexplicable reason, the other 80% is "YELLLOOOOO"

Great new parlor trick for you to try when/if you come over: If you ask nicely (and sometimes if you don't) Sammy will bring you your shoes. This morning, unprompted, he brought me not 1, but 2 pairs.

So....someone is really good at repeating things. And someone is not really good about censoring the things she says (Read: Mom). Here's what happened:

Samson: Wha dis?

Danielle: That is a peepee teepee. When you were little and we were changing your diaper, we put that over your penis so you wouldn't pee on us

Samson: Penis

ok - So I'm a bit guilty too:

Josh: "Sammy, Mom is busting daddy's bolluks"

Sammy: "bolluks!"

If Sammy had a Hero playing card, it would read something like:

Code Name: The Padawan

Real Name: Samson Ezra Kroo.

Occupation: Baby

Hobbies (new): Climbing on objects that move (ex: toy car)

Mission: Break head. By any means possible

Threats: Parental warnings of "Stop That please!" and "Careful (so lame)

It. Finally. Happened. He told me he pooped. It was like the sun rising in the West. Is this step 1 towards potty training? Please?

I never get tired of hearing Sammy say "please" and "thank you" ("Thk YOOO"")

The return of the witching hour. For one week. Every day when we got home. Apparently Sammy saw fit to break the ceasefire. Maybe this was in anticipation of daylight savings time.

Speaking of Daylight Savings. Preparations began 1 week in advance with what we'd like to call "The Danielle sleep modification program". That's a fancy way of saying we kept Sammy up until insanely late hours so that he'd gradually adjust before Doomsday came last sunday. It worked! For the most part.

You know that eerie silence that you can almost "feel" after your child was running around yelling and playing for 39 minutes and then it just stops? It gets quiet. It's the calm before the storm. And you just know... your child is dunking his hands and his winter hat into the toilet water. Lovely.

We got lucky with hurricane Sandy unlike many in NY/NJ/CT folks and were super grateful to have minimal impact to our lives. How do you spend Hurricane Sandy in a 2 bedroom apartment with an energized 1.5 yr old? Well, we spent a lot of time next door. ate a lot of food. and listened to Ziggy Marley's kids album every hour for 2 days. can't begin to imagine how hard it is for those people that have no power, were displaced, etc...We can only hope it gets better soon.

Important statistics we are keeping track of:

- Record number of poops taken on Sunday: 8 in 24 hours. Thanks for waiting for Mom to be away.

- Number of kiwis in one breakfast : 2

Quotes of the week:

Josh: "how did you get to be so cute"

Sammy: "books"

Josh: Sweet Dreams

Sammy: Sweet Dreams

Josh: Night Night

Sammy: Night Night

Josh: Love You

Sammy: Love you

Songs Samson can now sing (and what he says - he only says small fragments at once):

1) Happy and you know it:

- "Happyanyouknowit"

- "Clap clap"

2) Baa Baa Black Sheep

- "Baa Baa Blk shp"

- "Have youanywllllllllll"

- "Yes Sir, Yes Sir"

Pictures and Movies for your amusement:

Loving music class

We're working on civilized eating

Self explanatory.

We'd love to pretend that he sat still and did Arts and Crafts for a long time. But this was about 4 minutes worth of Savtah-led artistic instruction in using markers.

Noodles! Right before he smeared it in his hair and all over his clothes.

Post-noddle outfit.

Sammy and Kenia spending some quality time together

Little hipster

Sammy and Danny discussing the fish at the Bronx zoo

Looking like a 4 year old

We are working on this too.

Kid heaven

Why oh why did this company create a cup that explodes liquid like a volcano when no one is touching it. Seriously. Worst product ever?

Two cool cats having brunch in Montreal. Chilling with Ethan #1

We've graduated from sippy cups and moved on to Perrier. He's so debonaire.

showing Ethan #2 the ropes.

Preparing for the Elmo SATs

I'm sure this is safe.

Sleep Modification program in effect

You don't become a Jedi overnight. It takes days of practice.

Ummmm.... scary dragon?

This outfit came as kind of a shock to the little guy and prompted a "Really guys?? Really? I'm going out in public like this? Why aren't you wearing one, Dad?"

City Excursion

This is how most babies ship from Amazon

Yes, it's true. He's only one and a half years old.

Everybody else's food always looks better, right?

A little too early to lift weights - but to be honest, we're not concerned about stunting his growth

Passing the time during Hurricane Sandy lockdown, Part 1

Passing the time during hurricane Sandy lockdown, Part 2

We are still failing at TV. This lasted for 3 minutes and then Danielle and I had to turn it off. Standing this close cannot be healthy.

Danielle was....uh....thrilled that we were gifted this from our neighbors. It's sound is....blissful?

Finally a Jedi! With Wo-wa as little Red Riding Hood. PS. I am living vicariously through my son - I always wanted to be a Jedi. And no, I'm not ashamed.

Possibly the best picture of us as a family - Except that I'm holding someone else's baby! (Baby Jack)

One of us is having more fun than the other

Gotta love Fall. Of course it took us forever to get Sammy into this pile. I think that this scene was mostly born out of Danielle's desire to bury me in dirty leaves.

Videos for your amusement:

Dance What you feel:

Vocabulary work:

Counting!

Scary Dragon on the move:

Things I Have Learned

It used to be that Sammy wanted to eat or drink right when we got up. Now he just points to the stereo and starts to dance. I guess he likes dancing!

I’m not sure what made Samson giddy with laughter at lunch a few weeks ago. Aunty Monica’s funny faces had him cracking up. But upon closer inspection he was having mac and cheese. And he had smeared it all over his face and in his ears and hair. He really loves mac and cheese. Toss up…

3 weeks ago I made a note that read “ Sammy’s bath is no longer....errrr….clean.” It was bound to happen at least once. Last night I added a note: “…And now neither is that small area on our carpet”

Sammy has become very friendly at the park. If you have food. His new favorite hobby is to walk up to all kids in the park that have food. He then says "hiiii". Followed by "mmmmmm". Followed by “bite?” bite?” The way to a Sammy’s heart is truly through his stomach.

Inadequate parental moment of the week: I mentioned several weeks Sammy turns into a screaming tornado when we try to change him. Well Kenia (our nanny) has been working on this with him. Even trying to make it fun. So I walk in the other day, notice he’s in need of a change. All of a sudden Sammy runs over, rolls onto his back and picks his legs up and repeats after her chant of “diaper time! Diaper time!”. Really? REALLY???

Sammy started putting multiple word together in the last few weeks. Things like “Cheese please” or thank you”. My favorite us our daily, oft repeated exchange: "hi Sammy" / "hi daddy!" Gotta love it.

1. The term : “Eabery”

EE-burr-ree

–noun

Eabery. Usually, when parents bribe their children to eat the foods they “should” be eating in exchange for foods that they prefer. The combination of “eating” + “bribery”.

Example: I had to use Eabery this morning to get Samson some calcium: “Sammy, if you eat this bite of cottage cheese I’ll give you a strawberry.”

The word “bobby” has been narrowed to a couple of meanings. Most common is in reference to any phone (portable landline, iphone, blackberry all work) or remote control. Also we still have Uncle Bobby, Bobbi and Bubby.

How will we ever know when Samson is hungry? Eat eat eat!

What do you do when your child wakes up too early from a nap and is so pissed that he completely freaks out and hyperventilates without pause for 20+ minutes? No – Seriously. I have no witty answer for this. Wish I did though.

We saw Sammy’s first real tantrum. He just decided to have one. No real reason. Throwing blocks all over. Throwing other things. Forcing tears and semi-hyperventilating. That’s when we founded Danielle and Josh’s school of bad parenting. It was just such a preposterous outburst that we both turned to each other and realized we were snickering – desperately trying to keep straight faces. We just waited it out until he realized it was silly.

Sammy might be a good sharer. At least of knowledge if not of toys. The other day he walked over to Johnny (“Johnny! Johnny!) and began to teach him words he knew: “oval”, “hockey”. Of course when Johnny went to sit in his chair? “NONONONONONONO!”.

Repetition works. After months of Sammy referring to Elmo as Abby? He finally said Elmo (which sounds astoundingly cute). Of course Sesame Street is still referred to as “Abby”.

I no longer need to wonder when we’ll be home. Sammy will let us know with a “Home!” shout.

Sometimes Sammy will grab my arm-hair. If you know me, you know it’s pretty long, so I sometimes say ouch. So now, Sammy will pull my arm hair and say “ouch!” Ummm…buddy – I think you’re missing the point here!

When Sammy eats from time to time he treats it like it’s a heightened, extravagant experience for him. I know it’s a “fancy” meal when instead of the traditional handing over of unwanted food or the somewhat less frequent “I don’t like this so I’m going to hurl it on the ground” act, he will elegantly raise his hand, pinky out and proceed to drop his food on the floor.

Life in a one nap world is a series of ups and downs. One day it’s a 2 hour nap. The next day he wakes up by accident after an hour and by 7 we are C-R-A-N-K-Y. Sunday 2 hour nap during football? Priceless. Sunday 5 minute nap followed by a lot of yelling? The opposite of priceless. Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that when Sammy went to one nap it was to last 3 hours. Yeah, about that…

Best idea ever? Having our Nanny take care of Sammy while we fasted on Yom Kippur.

If you take a 1.5 yr old apple picking, they will want to eat nothing but apples for the next 4 weeks. Good think he didn't care for the pumpkin patch.

Important Statistics We are Keeping Track of:

- Number of Minutes Sammy lasted in the main service during Kol Nidre? 4

- Number of times Sammy said Challah during the holiday weeks: 1 million. Or so it felt.

- Number of whole apples Sammy ate at the orchard: 3

- Number of times a day Sammy says “apple”: 30. At least.

Words (too many to write, but here was my list before it got too crazy):

This

Ice

Hot

Chair

What's this

Zaide (zee zee)

Oval

Soap

Hat

Eyes

Blocks (bocks)

Strawberry (strabry) - were working on vowels

Blueberry (bl-bry)

B-bye Johnny

Challa

Keepa!

Carrot

All done

Tv (though he doesn't watch it)

Danny

Gavy

Pictures for your amusement

"Ok Dad, I know you want to document all the times that I play with Naama because you think I'll care later on down the road - Or because you and Naama's dad are best friends so it's neat for you. But really - you're just cramping my style. Big time.

"Finally, a chance to buy what I want instead of all that healthy stuff you like me to eat. Hey! Wait a minute, these are empty!"

Everything is cooler with a cape.

Baby Yoga

At first glance, this picture seems like nothing interesting. Then you start to see what it's like to have a Baby that Brunches. Notice how everything on the table has been slid over to the left side out of Samson's reach? It's fun to eat like this, let me tell you.

This car was fun for Sammy. Not so fun for Mom and Dad. He figured out how to climb in, but could not get out. on his own. Therefore, we helped him out of this car at least 20 times.