Documentation of fatherhood insanity: February 2013

Ok, it's been 3 long months with no blog. We've been busy! So I'll do my best to catch up as much as possible. I'm sure I'm missing 90% of the awesome hilarious-ness that is our life with Sammy. But so be it.

Here goes...

Things I have learned....

...From November - December

In an ironic twist, whereas I used to call Samson just "Captain Destructo", I will henceforth refer to him as "Destructo the cleaner upper." He can obliterate a room in mere minutes. And at the end? He'll put 2 or 3 things away. yes, only two or three but I guess it's a start?

When life gives you lemons, eat them. At least that's what Sammy did at brunch. for reaction (which was AWESOME), see below.

Scream first, ask later. That's definitely our policy.

Pretty much the only way to get Samson to sit still while changing a diaper is to sing songs where you get to reference all the people he knows. I have literally recited the song "the more we get together" 1000 times. It's amazing that Samson might know more people than I do. I fear the day he loses interest. We have no back up plan!

Well - we've started putting multiple words together. It goes something like:

"this is a _________"

- wowa

- baby

- book

- puff

- etc...

I am the sucker in the house. Or at least I've proven to be the softie:

Sammy: biiiiite

Danielle: not now, you just finished eating

Sammy: please. Bite

Danielle: not right now, we just ate

Sammy: daddy. Bite. Snack.

Danielle: what does daddy give you?

Sammy: blueberry!

Random statistics in December:

height: 50th percentile. For a 3 year old.

Weight: 50th percentile. For a 2 year old.

Height: Officially 36" - 3 ft (otherwise known as more than half of Danielle's height.

Generally Sammy is off the charts.

When driving through the doldrums of Pennsylvania (in the wee hours of the night) on your way to Cincinnati, it is decidedly not recommended that you arrive at your hotel, in negative degree weather and try to transfer your child to a crap-ass crib. Trust me.

Now what we did learn at that hotel when Sammy refused to sleep is that apparently Sammy now knows all of "Moo, Baa, La La La" off by heart.

Do you know how gross it is to pick raisins out of the crevices in your car seat? I didn't think so. But we do.

Cheerios used to be the ultimate food! Now? What about them says "please Dump me in the floor". (note: This was written in December. In January we still love dumping cheerios out. UGH.)

Is there a career that can be made about bringing people their shoes? If I had a nickel for every time Samson played his game of finding people's shoes and bringing them to their owner. We'd....have a lot of nickels.

Books Sammy know by heart: 1) Moo, Baa, La La La. 2) Panda Bear, Panda Bear (otherwise known as "Whatdoyousee?" 3) the Going to Bed Book and a host of others...

Songs Sammy now sings by heart: Abc's, twinkle twinkle, baa baa black sheep, and some wierd mid-western songs that Danielle has taught him where the dude refers to his big toe a "great big Wabida". Note: Sammy now calls his big toe a wabida. This will be awkward later in life.

Sammy apparently can open doors and use door handles. We learned this when we were at our neighbors and I heard him say "bye bye". I looked up and he was out by the elevator. So....yeah.

Yes, I have heard Sammy say the following in his sleep: "Nora" "Nora". He really loves Nora.

You know that Scene where lady Macbeth can't get blood the blood off her hands? That's how I feel about poop smell.

It's amazing that sammy knows please and thank you. He uses them correctly. With an abundance of cuteness. Now we are dealing with the complete perplexion of why, when he follows the please "PEEEEEEEEEESE" rules, does he not always get what he wants. Examples are:

"PEESE, pen. PEEEESE, Pen. PEEEEEEEEESE?"

"PEESE, snack. PEEEESE, snack. PEEEEEEEEESE?"

"PEESE, <insert dangerous object>. PEEEESE, <insert dangerous object, again>. PEEEEEEEEESE?"

....In January and February....

What is it about crayons that makes kids do insane things. What about them says "hey, eat me!" or "please write with us on the couches and walls."

So there's this thing called "The instant tantrum". Otherwise known as testing mom and dad (how long does this last???) It is basically when Sammy will decide he must have something (examples include: I need that raisin, or I really want my toothbrush, etc...)

The worst part of the instant tantrum is this fake tortured face that Sammy makes. That's when I uncontrollably start to giggle. It's horrible but just so darn funny. Yes, this is not advisable parental behavior. But it's just so ridiculous. He deserves an Oscar for the drama that can follow the most mundane of things like "no you can't play with a plunger" or "no you can't put mom's chapstick in your mouth."

Speaking of crayons...A couple weeks ago we watched the real battle of right vs. wrong. and internal struggle of good vs evil. We asked Sammy to put his crayons down because he was essentially coloring on the walls. Then I watched him go through the following: [Sammy internal thoughts] "Put the crayon down. I know it's right. But. I. Can't. Give. In. Ok, I've got it. I'm going to go over to the table to make like I'm putting it down - that ought to give them satisfaction. Then, at the last second, I'm going to scream, hold onto it, and run around. That makes total sense. Yep. total."

Somehow we are raising a little religious boy. Samson now:

- Watches me pray in the mornings - so now every morning he runs around in a pint sized tallis with a kippa (yarmulka) and a prayer book

- Sings multiple Hebrew songs he hears in synagogue from hallelujah to shabbat, shabbat shalom, ma tovu.

- Decided lighting shabbat candles might be his favorite thing of the week (or he likes fire but I'll go with the former)

And we finally know our name!!!! Sammy finally does not look in the mirror or at a picture of himself and say "baby"

New songs added to the repertoire: An entire CD of children's music from his class. happy birthday. way too much elmo.

The 4 greatest words ever: "Wanna. take. a. nap." No I am not making this up. That happens now. and it's just glorious. No fighting to go down, just excitement for a nap. Sammy is taking after Danielle more and more every day.

Best trick to get Sammy to drop something he wants to do (ex: see Nora, get out of the bath, etc...): Tell him whatever it is is going "night-night". We feel somewhat bad but it's so effective! 'Water's going night-night". "Toys are going night-night."

I know it's strange, but I desperately want to teach Sammy the word "don't". It is insanley confusing when he doesn't want something but repeatedly complains ""I want it! I waaaaaaant it!"

Sammy is starting to figure out Danielle is pregnant. I think?

Sammy: Baby come out

Mommy: The baby is small it needs to grow

Sammy: Baby growing

Mommy: yes it is

Sammy (lifting Danielle's shirt): Baby come out

Daily obsessions (I say daily because they change that fast: Thomas the train. Count. Crayon. Elmo. and repeat....

Our new restaurant game is: grab you by the hand and run around in circles around the whole place for an hour at a time? yeah...It's kind of fun though.

Highlight quotes from Samson the chatterbox:

- "Mommy is cool. Daddy is Jewish"

- "Daddy da bomb"

- "Mon-ca in 'Cago. Rob is in Vegas. Daddy in Montreal. Sabbah in Canada"

Sammy is a bit of a linguist: He can count to 10 in english, 8 or 10 (depending) in spaish and now to 5 in Hebrew!

Pictures for your amusement:

Captain Destructo.

"Sammy, lemon's are sour."

The learned one.

One might wonder why I have a picture of Danielle's foot in a sock. The reason is, that Samson's feet are big enough that Danielle confused her socks with his.

Hair, meet food.

I don't have a witty caption other than to say this picture was funny.

Mom's shoes.

Ummmmmm....

Reading Macbeth

Ok - this is way more sophisticated than Macbeth.

On the way to work?

I think Samson has a nicer wardrobe than me.

The truth behind this photo is much lamer than what really happened. In reality, I paid $15 to get Sammy on skates, took him around the rink once - then realized he was thinking "my ankles are not strong enough to skate yet, dad - enough please." I was thinking, " I hope this is a cool picture because my back is killing me!" Never the less: Samson was on skates!!!