Documentation of fatherhood insanity: Weeks 20/21: Sorry, 5 Napkin Burger

Things we have learned:

- New obsession of the moment: Having fully accomplished the feat of getting his toes into his mouth (I understand the allure but it’s still kind of gross). Staring at his hands in the middle of a thought. He’ll be crying, talking, playing with us, anything. Next thing you know he’s gone cross eyed, staring at his hands.

Kids are so different. We were hanging out with some other new parents when one said "our kid hasn't pooped in 6 days " I almost fell over. 6 days? I thought it was funny that Sammy had literally pooped 5 times since he woke up. Wow...

After 3 exploratory missions on how to change Sammy in the new Sonata, we’ve landed on floor of the passenger seat as the optimal place. My apologies to the good people eating at 5 Napkin Burger on 84th and Broadway. Diners with window seats got to experience this great learning endeavor with us. Check please.

Also, I'm pretty sure that the people that were eating at 5 Napkin Burger on that fateful Saturday afternoon are never having children. Let's just say it got so bad I had to run in and steal napkins. Then take a mini shower in their bathroom.

You know it’s bad poo-nami when you when you have to call in reinforcements to make the change.

Initially I said that true love is picking boogers out of your kid's nose. I may have misspoken. True love = the application of Desitin. Look it up at your own peril.

When your child is hanging out with his grandparents, you need to understand the difference between "grandparent time" and "human time". For example: When I ask Samson's Savtah how long she let him cry before she ran to give him a pacifier and she responds "at least 5 minutes" I know it was less than 1. You get the gist....

I am learning that there is just no way around making going to bed late work. I can beg, plead, pray, whatever. I'm just up early. Always. And I'm tired!

I really wanted to be annoyed with that new TV show Up All Night. But the cheesy dialogue could not hide the fact that Danielle and I have lived almost everyone of the scenes on that show. Down to being stalked by little old ladies in the grocery store that want to tell us how cute our child is.

There was a new game that started last week. It was called the "check out how loud I can screech game." This came as a bit of a shock (I think both child and parents discovered this at the same time.) The challenge is, this game has no relevance to emotions. For example:

I pooped and want a change: SCREECH!
I am super excited to see mom: SCREECH!
I have a voice: SCREECH SCREECH SCREECH!
etc....

Hell Hath no fury like a baby scorned. In case anyone was wondering whether Samson can appreciate a 9 hour drive in labor day traffic up I87, the answer is no. You know it's bad when Danielle and I have to alternate getting in the back seat and essentially praying for him to fall asleep. I should have known things were taking a turn for the worse when we experienced a "Doufoop" 1 hour into the drive.

Hell also hath no fury like a constipated child (I never thought I'd have the chance to write that). Last Saturday morning was terrifying enough that I thought we were going to have to call in an exorcist.

Ah, the Doufoop (double foop): At first I thought it was just a foop – but I’ve never seen anything like this. we pulled off the highway into a closed gas station to check what was bugging the little guy. I thought I would have to cut off his onesie like a surgeon would cut off someone's clothes in the emergency room. That's the kind of Poonami we're talking about here. Call in the reinforcements!

No matter how many times we recommend to Sammy that he not jam his fingers in his mouth until he either a) coughs or b) spits up, he just can't help himself.

Last week I picked Sammy up from somewhere and I literally felt like I'd just squeezed an open milk carton into my face. Enough said...

Sammy is ambitious (which we admire) and is very singularly focused - with one major goal in mind: To put something (he doesn't care what) in his mouth. This is a fun one to watch. Examples of things we have tried these past weeks:

Burpy
Onesie (including ones he's wearing)
My glasses
All toys
his own hand
his toes
my hand
My chest (despite the non-functionality - red: milk - he's an optimist)
his stroller straps
a coaster
many books
The floor (one can try, trust me)

you get the idea....

Sometimes I feel like we're training for the baby Olympics. Except our events are things like: put pacifier in your own mouth the right way. Learning to hold a bottle. learning to walk. This is serious commitment.

SAT-type analogy: Drugs are to an addict like a pacifier is to Sammy

Sammy's new routine is sort of killing me: Every day I'm just about out the door (around 7:30am) and I hear the "I pooped" cry. Come on, man! Can't you wait until I've just left so mom can take care of it!?!

I think Baby Owen tried to eat Sammy this week. Disturbing.

Important statistics we are keeping track of:

# of times he’s flashed the people in 5 Napkin Burger (frontal, backside, everyside) on 84^th and Broadway: 2 (in one afternoon)

# of times I gagged the past 2 weeks: 3

# of times I had to call in for reinforcements (it was one of those weeks…): 3

# of trips to Dr.: 1 (stuffy nose but no cold)

# of calls to Dr.: 2 (he also got a rash!)

Number of times Sammy took his beloved pacifier, pulled it out of his mouth and flung it across the room: 2 (!)

Awesome developments of the past 2 weeks:

Sleeping on his tummy (for a whole night)
Hugging me when I came home (I'm 80% certain this was deliberate!)
Imitating a kiss (and trying to make the sound)
At least 1 front to back rollover
Turning pages of books (with tiny bit of help)

Things we googled:

Baby sucking upper lip (bizarre answers to this one...)
Screeching baby (it's fun, and we encourage it, but what does he want!?!)
Baby moaning while eating (this is so wierd)

(Lot's) of pictures for your amusement

Baby on Baby Violence: Part 2: Samson vs. Maya

Vicious eye poke

Leg kicks!

Jamming finger in back of throat

Kissing practice

Let's wait a few years....

Nap time

"What the hell is this thing?"

It's not nice to pick pocket your great grand father

More E Trade Baby practice

Ready, Aim......

Fun with mom

For those of you that know where my hockey allegiance lies, this is horrifically painful. What do you do when someone gives your kid a personalized Habs jersey?!?