Week 18: Earthquake? Hurricane? Try sleep training.

Open letter to Samson:

Dear Samson,

This is your Mom and Dad. We think that 18 years from now you might want to go to college. Maybe you’d like to attend summer camp. Maybe you want to borrow 50 bucks.  If any of this interests you – we kindly request that you START SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT! Thank you.

Sincerely,

Your parents who cannot function at their jobs properly without consistent sleep

Things we have learned

-         It is only mildly, nay, seriously gross that Sammy’s insane amount of drool is now finding its way into my arm hair

-         Do you think that if we told people Samson has great, moist skin they’d buy that it wasn’t drool smeared all over his face? What’s going to happen when he starts eating solid food? I’m truly terrified.

-         I have now seen the “forward poop”. No more explanation will be provided.

1.      The term : “Foop”

F-oop

      1.      –noun

Usually, a surprise poo that ….. well, you get the picture.

Example: Holy cow, I think Milton just fooped. Holy cow.

-         Leg through crib side rail = bad. At least I’m pretty sure it is. Head pressed up against side rail? probably bad too.

-         Samson is clearly Danielle’s son – this kid won’t stop talking. To himself.

-         I can officially not fit my hand around Samson’s thigh. Just saying…

-         While he won’t remember – Samson will have lived through an earthquake and a hurricane AND sleep training in 1 week!

-         I’m thinking of making a Sleep Training video (like from that smug bastard  - remember he's my arch nemesis - from “Happiest Baby on the Block made). Here is what we now know about the process:

o   Step 1: Mentally prepare yourself for the extreme trauma of letting your child cry themselves back to sleep. At 2am.

o   Step 2: Have a wife that will guilt you into letting your child figure it out themselves. It helps if she can summon the "Jewish grandmother guilt" normally reserved for such crimes as not cleaning up your mess or failing to take out the recycling (for 4 days).

o   Step 3: Tell your nanny that if she could kindly inform your child that we’d appreciate if he went back to sleep on his own it we would be of great service.

o   Step 4: Plan a trip so obscene (like traveling to Walmart in Arkansas at 4am and returning at 12am) that even if you wanted to get up to do “The Rollover”, you will be so dead tired there’s no chance of you doing it.

o   Step 5: PRAY!

-         Sleep training is working! Sammy slept until 5:30am on Friday morning and then until 6:30am Saturday morning! WOOHOO!!!

-         Things that suck: power failures in New York during summer.

-         Sometimes when I’m changing Sammy’s diaper he grabs his feet and pulls them back to his head. Why does it feel like he’s aiming?

-         It’s official: Boob trumps shots. Here’s how the most recent round of shots went:

o   Dr. Brand: Danielle, why don’t you try feeding him while I give him the [GIANT] needle

o   Danielle: Sure!

o   Sammy: Early snack?!?! SWEET!!!

o   Sammy: *MilkMilkMilkMilkMilkBoobMilk…..[Dr. Brand inserts needle]… MilkMilkMilkMilkMilk…..OUCHOUCHOUCH…..[pause…thinking…]MilkMilkMilkMilkMilk….

-     I feel like when I was a kid we played with things like egg cartons, empty toilet paper rolls or blocks.  Samson gets this gigantic space ship called an exersaucer....what happened to the simpler things in life?

-         This is less about Sammy and more about Danielle and I: Is it sad that Danielle and I prepared for the hurricane in the following way: She bought a pack of cheese and I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. We were both independently thinking it would be "terrible" if we lost power and had to eat all the perishable food.

Statistics we are keeping track of:

- Height: 27" (95th percentile!)

- Weight: 17 lbs. 6oz (90th percentile!)

- Head size: 50th percentile (come on head - catch up!)

- # of times Danielle acknowledged that I was right: 1

- Number of times I turned to Kenia (our nanny) and said: "I think he likes you more than us!": every freaking day (so 4)

- # of hours sleeping on tummy: 7!

- most consecutive hours slept in the last 2 weeks: 5! Oh, glorious 5!

Major developmental progress of the week:

- Rolling over from back to stomach - and pulling the second hand out from under him

- Sleeping on tummy

- Holding his own bottle

Quote of the week: 

"Josh, I have one of Sammy's boogers in my hand and I'm feeding him. Can you take it and throw it out? [taking booger - remember last week: picking out your kids boogers = love] Now that you have it, what if I told you it wasn't his?"

Pictures for your amusement:

Sammy's space machine

Seriously - Am I supposed to feel better about what's inside this diaper just because they put some clouds and a pretty sun on it? Pampers  - I want a diaper that shows the fires of hell. 

Ummm....this is a new sleeping position. Looks...comfy?

Apparently Sammy likes the space machine

Sammy is wearing the new MAC makeup product "Drule"

Things that are not good.

Holding his own bottle!

Practicing walking

The lounger

Man he has long legs!!!

New Section for this week only: Baby on baby violence

OUCH! I can't stop laughing at this anonymous submission

Ok - this may be a stretch....they like each other (as evidenced below)

Good buddies!

Week 17: Samson buys a car

New Feature for your convenience: You can now put in your email address to receive the blog directly (see right of the page)

Things we Have learned:

-      Danielle can totally use Sammy to get the things she’s always wanted but I’m too stubborn to get. Read: buying a car that was built post-2004.

-      Taking Sammy to negotiate on buying a car can be an effective strategy. We were dealing with the owner, and he’s trying to tell us that he can’t go any lower. Meanwhile Sammy is there making him laugh and causing him to lose his train of thought throughout the conversation. It went something like:

o   Darwin (car dealership owner): Guys – look – this is my price. You have to read the fine print in my ads.

o   Danielle: Well, it’s just a little higher than we wanted. I’m not sure we can do it.

o   Darwin: Listen – I’m not making any money al – Hey little guy! You don’t like what I’m saying? – look, I’m making no money already!

o   Sammy: Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [BUBBLE BLOWING] wooooooooh…..

-      I previously said that we needed to move up to #2 diapers.  I don’t want #2 diapers. I want to put him in a wet suit. A poop-proof wetsuit.

-      My arm is going to break right off. Seriously. I’m in good shape but I’m not in “Faby” shape.

 

-      I’m putting a veto on us calling him “big”, “huge”, “large”, “Tommy 2 tons” or anything like that . What if he gets a complex!?! Henceforth, when we (or you) want to point out how “zaftig” he is, let’s use “Faby”.

-      Speaking of fabies… 

-      True love = picking boogers (happily) out of your kid’s nose

-

-      I am getting old. I used to think that if I went to bed before 11pm that I’d be missing something. Now I think that if I’m in bed later than 10:30 I should have my head examined. According to this logic, I should have my head examined a lot.

-      The return of the witching hour is upon us.  It was Sammy’s gift to Danielle on her first week back at work. He wanted to let her know that from this week forward we will predominantly be around him while he screams at us. I thought we had to wait for the teenage years for that.

-      It’s not possible that after one week Sammy likes Kenia (our amazing nanny) more than us is it? IS IT???? I don’t see Kenia doing “The Rollover” at 2am – do you Sammy?

-      Sammy might love himself more than we love him. He sat laughing at a video of himself laughing for at least 20 straight minutes.

   - Our latest sleep regression combat tactic is to let Sammy sleep in only PJs (no woombie/swaddle/sleep sack/anything!) This means that it is very difficult to know if he needs to be changed. I've been feeling pretty horrible knowing that after that first night, I must have left him in the "Pearl Harbor" of poos for at least 5 hours. but he was sleeping!!!

I’m not sleeping enough moment of the week:  On Thursday morning, when Danielle asked, I literally could not remember if I woke up to help Sammy during the night.

Important Statistics we are keeping track of:

-          Number of times we’ve been called by the scamming baby talent agency Interface (they approached Danielle in the mall) trying to get us to bring Sammy in for a “consultation” so HE can decide (How exactly will he voice his opinion?) whether he wants to get into “the business” : 14 - Every night for 2 weeks. Of course, they can’t tell us what it would cost until they consult with Sammy since each baby is different.

-          Number of times I said to Danielle in the middle of the night” please get him, I can’t get up”: 2 (after giving her the birthday/anniversary/channukah/starting work gift of 3 days where she could sleep through the night.

-          Number of poos Sammy took last Wednesday: 0 (and we were right to be terrified)

-          Number of times I found Sammy with his leg sticking out through the crib: 1 (and it took only once until we put up the protecters)

-          Number of degrees Sammy turned in his sleep Thursday night: 180

-          Number of times we asked “Could he be teething???”: 1 x per day

-          Number of friends that had babies this past week: 4(!) Congrats to the Scharf, Osten-Liss, Robinson and Thayer families!

Things we googled this week:

-          Ferberize (he’s too young)

-          4 month old head bang in sleep (he did this only once, and it was weird

-          17 pound baby milk quantity

-          Baby sleep regression (you know it’s bad when this makes it in 2 weeks in a row)

-          Most toxic car seats (sad that I had to google this!) – for those that care (http://www.ecocenter.org/press-release/2011/hazardous-flame-retardants-and-chemical-additives-found-60-percent-2011-child-car )

Quote of the week: "Because you thought this picture was funny we now have poop all over the hamper” Note: I have a warped sense of humor and left a poop-massacred onesie hanging off the hamper for a while after putting it there to memorialize it in a picture.

Pictures for your amusement:

I have this picture in so many different ways/days. I'm worried it is no longer my bed.

Couple of Fabies hanging out in the park! Hi baby Owen!

Infatuated with.....himself!

SEE!?!

Doing the cha-cha in his big boy stroller

Almost rolling over!

This worked for a few minutes. It's either a fun to to teach him to use his legs or a medieval torture device.

His Andrew Dice Clay look. When you look at this picture, Imagine Dice saying "eehhhhhhhhh" or "ridiculous"

Meet Saul, Samson's old man alter ego

Danielle Playing "Superman" with Sammy

Danielle trying to eat (?) Sammy

Sleep regression combat tactic # 21: PJs

Reading time with pal Nora. He loves the older women.

Faby central!

180 degree rotation. Note the paranormal Activity sound animal in the corner.

Sammy is finding new uses for his feet all the time. Upon waking up in Trader Joe's, he used his foot like a periscope.

Cradle Cap, meet Extra virgin Olive Oil: Your worst nightmare.

This is your "next picture is gross" warning:

Aforementioned poop-massacred onesie. I have issues, I know. But it makes me laugh!

To see a better quality baby spanx video: 

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/Baby-Spanx/1255812

Week 16: The traveling Samson

Things I have learned:

 

 -      I’m going to start calling Sammy “Testy Mcgee”  - It seems that our young Padawan (look it up if you don’t know what this important reference is) has starting trying to figure out if Mom and Dad are as big sissies as he thinks. Examples:

o   He’ll cry in the middle of the night, even though he’s not hungry, just to see if we’ll come and - Check – Dad the sucker will come put the pacifier back.

o   Don’t feel like taking a nap? He’ll decide to terrorize us to see if he can get held for a bit.

We’re going to have to call in someone meaner than us to curb this behavior. I’m thinking Dolph Lundgren if he’s available.

-       Something tragic has occurred in the medium-sized living space we call our apartment.  The desecration of our bed.  Sammy has now pooped, spat up….and lord knows what else on our bed. It’s both gross and disturbing. Miraculously Danielle and I look at him after these vicious acts of vandalism and say “but he’s so cute!” We are softies…More on this later….

-      Taking a child to the airport and travelling without your spouse (Kudos, Danielle) feels a little like purgatory. Things to expect and what to do:

Meltdown #1: The moment you exit the car - What to do: pray. Then change a diaper hanging out of your car.

Meltdown #2: When mass hysteria breaks out while waiting in an inexplicably long line (who goes to Cincinnati on Sunday night?) to check your massive bags filled with kids stuff – be thankful that your spouse helped you by coming into the airport with you – Action: point to airplanes and hope Sammy can see that far. If not, sing happy and you know it repeatedly until the line is through.

Meltdown #3: getting through security – kindly beg the security guard to assist by keeping your child

Meltdown #4: landing – stare at people giving you looks that you used to give other people with babies. You’ve joined the darkside of flying.

Meltdown #5: When you finally see dad (who has missed him!) and was hoping for a cheerful reunion. That will teach us to keep him up past his bed time.

-      When your child takes a massive smelly poo in the confines of a plane while landing it’s best to look at them sheepishly and fake a chuckle: “look how cute!”

1.       The term : “The Rollover”

Ro-ll o-ver

      1.      –noun

Act of rolling one’s child on to his side in the hopes that he will stop playing whack-a-mole on his face with his fists while trying to sleep. One hopes this stops soon into the post-swaddle era.

-      Sleeping at home alone should have been the greatest gift to an over-exhausted dad. Boy was I wrong. Magically, Sammy has literally altered my sleep rhythms.  It was sheer joy to wake up each night at 3am and 5am…What has become of me!?!?

-      2 words: Sleep. Regression.

-        Is there any greater fear than your kid being in a pool with other people and pooping our of his diaper? I think not….Thankfully (surprise!) Sammy kept up his part of the bargain.

-      There is this thing with Sammy called “The evil Look of Doom.” It always happens when he’s travelling from one place to another while sleeping. He'll wake up without understanding how he got to this new place with a threatening look. It lasts for about 3 minutes before he’s willing to let you know that he does not appreciate these sudden surprises…be afraid…

-      The regular every day things that happen to babies is definitely exacerbated when you’re not there. This update from Danielle sounded like a new world war had started…

o    “He scratched his face and looks like a gangster, has a rash on his leg and I put stuff on his head to help with his cradle cap (dry skin on scalp – worst name a a “thing” ever)  and forgot to wash it off so he smells terrible. Also, he freaked out every time we tried to give him a bath so he's only sort of been washed.” 

UMMMM…..yeah.

-      I’m getting old moment of the week: When someone says “let’s meet up at 11pm on Saturday night” and my reaction is “dear lord…that’s so late!”

-      Things we have tried to combat sleep regression unsuccessfully

o   Get rid of woombie – use sleep sack

o   Get ris of sleep sack – back to woombie

o   Woombie with no hands in

o   Dream feed 2 ounces

o   Dream feed 5 ounces

o   Crying (us) – this did not help

o   The rollover (only helps to get him back to sleep)

o   Crying again. HELP!

Quotes of the week:

o   “Don't worry, if he poops I'll get in the pool and do it too. People will care less about Sammy then...” - Random Gentleman at pool party

o   “Do you think we can change the sheets so that I don't have to sleep in poo.” - Danielle

Important Statistics we are tracking:

-          Number of baths this week: 1 (sorry little dude!)

-          Number of true poo-namis: 3 (haven’t we gotten past this yet???)

-          Number of other people’s couch’s peed on while away from home: 2 (whoops!)

-          Number of times Danielle started a sentence with “ I think we should try _______” (in reference to our battle with leep regression): at least once per day

-          Number of articles read on sleep regression: too many to count

-          Number of times I proved Danielle wrong on a sleep issue : 1 (thanks Kristine!) The score is now Danielle 55, vs.  Josh 1

Things we googled this week:

-          “Baby Sleep Regression 4 months”

o   Now I am sad to say that when we googled this, and I had only typed in “baby sleep regression” the most popular searches recommended were in order: 4 months, 3 months, 8 months, 9 months. This translates to BAD NEWS.

-          “dream feed baby ounces”

-          “Dream feed baby burp”

Pictures for your amusement:

Taking in the sites and sounds of a plane ride. Or not....

It's not looking great for Sammy being a willing bed sharer later on in life.

The calm before the "check in line storm"

First plane ride!

Everyone needs some Naked baby photos

If you look closely, this bouncy chair makes it look like Sammy is wearing a lamb head hat - ears and all! Bizarre....

Making out with his whoozit toy. This is love!

How to nap at a pool party. The only problem with this is that when other, more mobile kids see a pair of baby feet sticking out, they think it's an invite to grab them.

More from the ride home. This is pre-poonami on the landing....

I might not find a blanket with some tags on it interesting - but Sammy....never ending amusement. It's not quite like trying to get his feet in his mouth though....

Hanging out in Cinci with Granpa Steve

Some videos for your amusement:

Sammy laughing at some funny noises

 Sammy playing peekaboo

Week 15

Things I have learned

-      Sammy has a great relationship with his mom. You know, it consists of him repeatedly banging his head into Danielle’s boob like Moses hitting the rock. With his face. Ok, kidding. That only happens half the time.

-      Danielle is not accepting of Sammy’s Fāby and Tāby status, as evidenced by the tiny onesies she puts on him that are clinging to the snaps for dear life

-      I’ve given Sammy a new nickname: Puddleface. The amount of drool – It’s just amazing. Danielle at one point changed 3 outfits in one day. I’m going to create a drool receptacle just to see how much saliva he can actually produce. I will then try to sell it on Ebay.

-      It is mildly disturbing that Samson is going bald! I know this is what happens but the poor guy!

-      Apparently there is no better toy that one’s feet. Sammy has discovered them and is pretty much obsessed. It’s only a matter of time before the game “can I fit both fists into my mouth” changes to “Check it out! Foot in mouth!”

-      I am jealous of Danielle.  Everyday I come home and see Sammy doing something I find incredibly exciting and yell something like “he knows he has feet and is grabbing them!” or “oh my lord! He found his thumb!” and follow it with the question: “Wow! Have you seen this yet?” thinking I’ve just made the discovery of a lifetime. Her standard answer is "yes". But other times Danielle poorly lies and says “no” sheepishly. Either way – well done, Samson.

-      Babies, despite the fact that they are always being held and not moving too far are like lint collectors. I think Sammy has worn socks 3 times since June and yet he still manages to have a massive amount of lint between his toes. I could start a company marketing babies as lint collectors. It would make a great late night infomercial

-      My wife has the sense of humour of a 12 year old boy.

Case 1: She came to visit me at work this week and I left her to change Sammy in my office so I could run to a meeting. I came back and found a note saying “Enjoy” on my chair. The note was attached to a dirty diaper. Really????

Case 2: I was sitting in a meeting with 20 other people when I received an email from Danielle with the subject line “I yelled and gagged when I saw this”. Let me tell you, the attached picture was….uh….special. It did not involve Sammy’s upper body at all. And it was messy.

-      OK – Sammy is ready for size 2 diapers. There is officially no denying it anymore. The scene is 6pm on Friday night. We’re relaxing on the couch, there is a cool breeze blowing and we’re happy it’s the weekend. Here is the scene that unfolded:

Danielle: NO!

Josh: What happened?

Danielle: He just pooped. And it shot out his diaper again. And it’s all over me. And the couch.

Bonus: Part 2 of this lovely sequence featured some deep irony:

Josh: What can I do?

Danielle: pick him up and change him

Josh: ok (snickering under my breath)

Danielle: It’s everywhere!

Josh: [laughing]

Sammy, always one to appreciate irony, then proceeded to spit up all over me.

-      The term : “Snart”

S-nart

      1.      –noun

Usually, a term used to signify the moments when one’s baby farts and sneezes at the same time. Not to be confused with “Shart” (which happens too).

Example: Edgar the baby just snarted. It was lovely.

How to hire a nanny in New York:

-           

    Step 1: look at 52 page powerpoint presentation on www.parkslopenanny.com to analyze piles of data that will make you feel bad about the cost of living in New York

-     Step 2: Do not let negotiations linger such that your wife repeatedly tells you that you are a failure

-     Step 3: Do not comment on the rash that your wife broke out with due to the stress.

-     Step 4: Avoid negotiating the rates yourself – before getting a reaction from potential nanny

-     Step 5: Do find an awesome nanny (woohoo!)

-     Step 6: DO NOT do the math to see that your wife going back to work will in fact be a net loss due to high cost of nannyhood (I mean monetary loss – not quality of life of course)

Important statistics we are tracking:

-      Number of times Sammy looked at his feet in amazement as if to say “Shit! They’re still here!

-      Amount of time spent discovering feet: countless hours. Only to be forgotten the next day.

-      Number of times I asked Danielle if it was necessary to let Samson cry it out at nap time during a 6 minute duration: too many to count – I’m a sissy

Disturbing news of the week/Too tired moment of the week

-      As we are going to bed one night, Danielle informs me that at one point during the day she accidentally left one of Sammy’s balls sticking out of his diaper for a while – and asked me if I thought he might have hurt it. WHAT!??!

New Section: The commiseration section for other new dads (and Moms).

Some people started sending in their hilarious experiences of the week - Every once in a while I'll throw one in the blog so we can all have a good laugh (anonymously of course). Feel free to send yours and it might make it in.  This week's submission was awesome:

-      Things Googled: 'What to do when a newborn pee's on its umbilical cord?'

This in reference to a little girl. How is that possible?!


Pictures for your amusement

Sammy in a onesie that is clearly too small for him. Danielle - this is evidence!

Trying to remove Sammy from the Bumbo is not as easy as it looks.

Enjoying some tummy time

Practicing to be the E Trade baby

"Hey - I have feet!"

"I found it! I love this thumb!"

"Wait a minute - my feet are still here! This is awesome!"

Playing hard to get....

Danielle's gift to me in the office.

Plotting world domination with buddy Ben