Week 22: First wedding

Things I have learned:

We make a lot of funny sounds that get Sammy to laugh (is there anything better?). Someone raised a great question: How is it that we discover the sounds that work? Answer: I am a strange person.

Proven for a second time. Hell hath no fury like a scorned child. in traffic. Again. Did I mention again? I hate the GW bridge and everyone driving on it.

Dear Samson, remember when you were screaming in the car for 20 minutes? Then when you got home started smiling as if nothing ever happened? Because I do.

That show Up All Night? Yeah – that stopped being realistic after episode 1.

We are taking suggestions for the award that Sammy is going to get for not wrecking his fancy clothes at the wedding we attended last weekend.

It was love at first site with his new friend the stuffed animal bunny.  Nevermind parents, nanny, etc… Life is now all about the bunny.

1.       The term : “Feating”

Feet-ing

          –verb

To Feat. Usually, when a small child fake-eats so that mom will feed him before bed (thereby keeping him up past bedtime.)

Example: “Danielle, I’m pretty sure that Samson is feating again. This kid is a real con artist!”

I swear I started hearing crying babies even when Sammy is sleeping. This is like Tinitis, only worse. Who do you see about that?

It is very hard to take nice family photos when all your son wants to do is stare at your wife’s boobs or look the opposite way. Really? Why must you spite us Samson??? Just one picture in your non-ruined fancy clothes is all we ask!

How much time do you think parents spend doing the following: You find something silly that makes your baby laugh (ex: making a high pitched sound repeatedly seems to work this week, gurgling worked a few weeks back, etc…) Then you try to catch it on film which then results in a long video where you can’t understand why your child is not laughing but you are caught on camera making weird noises.

Danielle started making that high pitched sound in public – which just looked disturbing and bizarre.

It is always going to smell like poop in Sammy’s room, isn’t it? Because it does….

I may have said this before, but why do I like baby TV ads so much!?!  I laugh out loud. Seriously, I intently watched a Clorox ad in which 2 dads smell their babies’ butts and thought it was hilarious. Let’s not even start on the Huggies/Pampers TV ads that have their kids scooting across the floor.

Few things scare me like the idea of solid food. Which is starting this week.  Though it should be interesting watching a person learn how to eat. I’m just concerned that what goes in must come out. And it won’t be pretty.

Anonymous quote of the week:

“I fell asleep with [insert baby’s name]  in my arms and when I woke up I realized I’d drooled all over [insert baby's name again].” 

Score one for parents everywhere!

Important Statistics we are Tracking:

Number of times Sammy spat up on me while I was just about out the door on my way to work: 1

Number of times Sammy pooped his pants during a wedding ceremony: 1 (he was just so happy!)

Number of times Sammy pooped out of his PJ’s in the morning: 0. Yes, your read that right. ZERO. NIL. NADA. NOT ONCE!

Weight percentile: 90th

Height Percentile: 95th

Head size: 50th (43 cm!)

Things we Googled last week:

-           

      Baby sleep with blanket age (I was concerned!)

-         

            Baby eating after spitting up. Translation: How is it possible? Isn’t he full?

     Pictures for your amusement:

Gotta look tough in the play ground

Mama said knock you out

How to rock out at a wedding

Looking good!

Sammy, meet cold weather.

I had to apologize to the rubber ducky after Sammy tried to chew his head off. This did not end pretty.

Trying to break the record for most things put in one's mouth in 1 afternoon.

Practicing sitting up, like a big boy!

Most babies try to play with iphones  - Samson tried to eat mine. If you see this face, watch out. He's trying to put you in his mouth.

I love Sundays.

Look at me! I'm 5 months old!

Pre-wedding ceremony accident

Trying to take family picture is hard when one of the group only cares about boobs. I'll give you a hint, it's not Me. It's also not Danielle.

Question: How many pictures can you take without Sammy looking at the camera. Answer: All of them.

Weeks 20/21: Sorry, 5 Napkin Burger

Things we have learned:

-      New obsession of the moment: Having fully accomplished the feat of getting his toes into his mouth (I understand the allure but it’s still kind of gross). Staring at his hands in the middle of a thought. He’ll be crying, talking, playing with us, anything. Next thing you know he’s gone cross eyed, staring at his hands.

   

        Kids are so different. We were hanging out with some other new parents when one said "our kid hasn't pooped in 6 days " I almost fell over. 6 days? I thought it was funny that Sammy had literally pooped 5 times since he woke up. Wow...

After 3 exploratory missions on how to change Sammy in the new Sonata, we’ve landed on floor of the passenger seat as the optimal place. My apologies to the good people eating at 5 Napkin Burger on 84th and Broadway. Diners with window seats got to experience this great learning endeavor with us. Check please.

Also, I'm pretty sure that the people that were eating at 5 Napkin Burger on that fateful Saturday afternoon are never having children. Let's just say it got so bad I had to run in and steal napkins. Then take a mini shower in their bathroom.

      You know it’s bad poo-nami when you when you have to call in reinforcements to make the change.

Initially I said that true love is picking boogers out of your kid's nose. I may have misspoken.  True love = the application of Desitin. Look it up at your own peril. 

When your child is hanging out with his grandparents, you need to understand the difference between "grandparent time" and "human time". For example: When I ask Samson's Savtah how long she let him cry before she ran to give him a pacifier and she responds "at least 5 minutes" I know it was less than 1. You get the gist....

I am learning that there is just no way around making going to bed late work. I can beg, plead, pray, whatever. I'm just up early. Always. And I'm tired!

I really wanted to be annoyed with that new TV show Up All Night. But the cheesy dialogue could not hide the fact that Danielle and I have lived almost everyone of the scenes on that show. Down to being stalked by little old ladies in the grocery store that want to tell us how cute our child is.

There was a new game that started last week. It was called the "check out how loud I can screech game." This came as a bit of a shock (I think both child and parents discovered this at the same time.) The challenge is, this game has no relevance to emotions. For example:

•     I pooped and want a change: SCREECH!
•     I am super excited to see mom: SCREECH!
•     I have a voice: SCREECH SCREECH SCREECH!
•     etc....

 Hell Hath no fury like a baby scorned. In case anyone was wondering whether Samson can appreciate a 9 hour drive in labor day traffic up I87, the answer is no. You know it's bad when Danielle and I have to alternate getting in the back seat and essentially praying for him to fall asleep. I should have known things were taking a turn for the worse when we experienced a "Doufoop" 1 hour into the drive.

Hell also hath no fury like a constipated child (I never thought I'd have the chance to write that). Last Saturday morning was terrifying enough that I thought we were going to have to call in an exorcist.

Ah, the Doufoop (double foop): At first I thought it was just a foop – but I’ve never seen anything like this. we pulled off the highway into a closed gas station to check what was bugging the little guy. I thought I would have to cut off his onesie like a surgeon would cut off someone's clothes in the emergency room. That's the kind of Poonami we're talking about here. Call in the reinforcements!

No matter how many times we recommend to Sammy that he not jam his fingers in his mouth until he either a) coughs or b) spits up, he just can't help himself.

Last week I picked Sammy up from somewhere and I literally felt like I'd just squeezed an open milk carton into my face. Enough said...

Sammy is ambitious (which we admire) and is very singularly focused - with one major goal in mind: To put something (he doesn't care what) in his mouth. This is a fun one to watch. Examples of things we have tried these past weeks:

• Burpy
• Onesie (including ones he's wearing)
• My glasses
• All toys
• his own hand
• his toes
• my hand
• My chest (despite the non-functionality - red: milk - he's an optimist)
• his stroller straps
• a coaster
• many books
• The floor (one can try, trust me)

you get the idea....

Sometimes I feel like we're training for the baby Olympics. Except our events are things like: put pacifier in your own mouth the right way. Learning to hold a bottle. learning to walk. This is serious commitment.

SAT-type analogy: Drugs are to an addict like a pacifier is to Sammy

Sammy's new routine is sort of killing me: Every day I'm just about out the door (around 7:30am) and I hear the "I pooped" cry. Come on, man! Can't you wait until I've just left so mom can take care of it!?!

I think Baby Owen tried to eat Sammy this week. Disturbing.

Important statistics we are keeping track of:

• # of times he’s flashed the people in 5 Napkin Burger (frontal, backside, everyside) on 84^th and Broadway: 2 (in one afternoon)

• # of times I gagged the past 2 weeks: 3

• # of times I had to call in for reinforcements (it was one of those weeks…): 3

• # of trips to Dr.: 1 (stuffy nose but no cold)

• # of calls to Dr.: 2 (he also got a rash!)

• Number of times Sammy took his beloved pacifier, pulled it out of his mouth and flung it across the room: 2 (!)

Awesome developments of the past 2 weeks:

• Sleeping on his tummy (for a whole night)
• Hugging me when I came home (I'm 80% certain this was deliberate!)
• Imitating a kiss (and trying to make the sound)
• At least 1 front to back rollover
• Turning pages of books (with  tiny bit of help)

Things we googled:

• Baby sucking upper lip (bizarre answers to this one...)
• Screeching baby (it's fun, and we encourage it, but what does he want!?!)
• Baby moaning while eating (this is so wierd)

(Lot's) of pictures for your amusement

Baby on Baby Violence: Part 2: Samson vs. Maya

Vicious eye poke

Leg kicks!

Jamming finger in back of throat

Kissing practice

Let's wait a few years....

Nap time

"What the hell is this thing?"

It's not nice to pick pocket your great grand father

More E Trade Baby practice

Ready, Aim......

Fun with mom

For those of you that know where my hockey allegiance lies, this is horrifically painful. What do you do when someone gives your kid  a personalized Habs jersey?!?

Staring contest with Giraffe on I87

Best baby gear ever. Notice the flap over the face window - would you ever close that???? Only in Canada...

This cannot be comfortable

Mister hipster in Baby Owen's hat

Elation when Eli Manning runs for a touchdown. Let's not talk about the rest of the game.

Hanging with Aviv

Baby Owen trying to eat Sammy

Leaving a dirty diaper on someone's pillow is hilarious. We swear, it was Sammy's idea.

Typical morning scene

OK, I'm fine with the swing so long as you give me padding

DROOL.

Pants Protocol in the fall = pants for young Samson. Look at that neck!!

 

Week 19: Screating

Things we have learned:

-       “Red! Yellow! Blue! Re-eeeeed! Yellow! And Bluuuuu-e-uuuuuuu!” This is the song that plays on Sammy’s exersaucer every time he jumps. How much can I hate that song? I shazaamed it just to find out who wrote it so I could let them know. Then I googled it. Ok – I admit, while I hate it, it is soooooo catchy!

-      Things not to do: when playing with your child and making funny sounds and noises trying to make your child laugh, don’t use an evil French villain voice. Sammy looked like he was watching an alien land on earth. His laughter turned into sheer terror in a matter of seconds. Then his terror turned into crying! Oops.

-           

-      The Baby Whisperer part 1: I’m pretty sure that our nanny is the real life version of the Baby Whisperer – we walk into the room the other day and find her cutting Sammy’s fingernails WHILE teaching him to put his pacifier in his mouth. SERIOUSLY? Talk about feeling inadequate as a parent.

-      Sammy has decided that he is anti “nap time in the crib” regardless of how tired he is. The result of this new trend is his crying for 3 minutes when we put him down in his crib with the hope that we’ll pick him up. As soon as we leave, he stops and goes to sleep. Of course, he doesn’t cry when Kenia (our Nanny) puts him down.

-      The Baby Whisperer part 2: I’m feeling a little better.  He finally cried when Kenia tried to put him to sleep.

-      In a bold strategic move, to help with sleep training (going well!) we have stopped giving Sammy his dream feeds. The result:  3 nights in a row where he hasn’t been sitting in a poo-nami for hours. Which is good, because I can’t live with the guilt of leaving him in it anymore.  Last week he spent a half hour giving me the Stink-eye in the morning!

-      Maybe I need sleep training.  I keep waking up even when he doesn’t.

-      Other new trend: When he’s super tired at night, he’ll now just roll over and give us the back – He doesn’t even wait for his bedtime songs!

1.      The term : “Screating”

S-cree-ting

      1.      –noun

Usually, when your child intersperses his feeding with a lot of screaming. i.e. Scream-eating.

Example: What happened to Sammy this week? He keeps screating before he goes to bed!

-      Why does Sammy keep screating? It’s lovely!

-      My wife likes to be an innovator. Point in case:  As we pulled up to the border, she made me ask the officer to stamp Sammy’s passport. The officer looked at us like we were the first people since the inception of Nafta to have this done. I think we were. After these strange happening Danielle turns to me and says “Don’t you think he’ll be happy about having his first international travel stamped in his passport?” – How am I supposed to know!?!

1.      The term : “over-loving”

O-ver lo-ving

      1.      –verb

Usually, a term used by my wife when she’s not “yelling at me”. Generally begins after the birth of a child.

Example:

o   Josh: I have hockey tomorrow night. I’m sure hurricane Irene will be done by then.

o   Danielle: There is no way in hell you are going. It’s bad driving.

o   Josh: Let’s just wait and see. It might be ok.

o   Danielle: Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

o   Josh: No need to yell J

o   Danielle: I’m not yelling.

o   Josh: You’re yelling with your eyes.

o   Danielle: I’m not yelling or yelling with my eyes. I’m overloving you.

o   Josh: Overloving me?

o   Danielle: Yes, overloving you. That’s why I don’t want you to play hockey and drive in bad weather.

o   Josh: How come you “overlove so frequently?” And why doesn’t it sound like love?

-      Last Saturday night I had to change Sammy’s name from Sammy to “The Spit Up Machine” (see evidence below)

Statistics we are keeping track of:

-          # of calls to doctor: 1 (he was the spit up machine!)

-          # of poo-nami’s he slept in all night this week: 2

-          Number of times Sammy had to stop on the drive to Montreal: 1

-          Number of times I had to stop on the drive to Montreal: 1 (for those that know me on long trips, this is impressive)

-          Number of times Sammy woke up in McDonald’s parking lot breast feeding and freaked out: 1

-          Amount of time spent loving his feet: hours, upon hours

-          Number of times Sammy’s big toe made it into his mouth: 1 (and he declared it glorious!)

Things we have googled this week:

-          baby shoving fingers down throat (this is insane by the way….)

-          Red yellow blue exersaucer song

Pictures for you amusement 

I love my feet part 1

Ready, aim at the mouth....

Yet another social faux pas: showing your diaper through your onesie. This is a very European look apparently.

I know what you're thinking. This is not potty training. Though sometimes I think he could land a direct hit if he tried.

Dear lord. I looked up the definition of POULKIE (a yiddish word) at www.bubbygram.com/yiddishglossary.htm :      "Poulkie: (pull-key) thigh. "You want to know why I don't wear a bathing suit? Because my poulkies look like pantihose filled with wet oatmeal!"

Our apartment officially belongs to Sammy. Look at all this stuff!

Looking good doing some tummy time

Someone is ready for college football to start!

Samson Kroo: A week in the life....This kid's got it good!

Playing at Owen's House in Apollo 19

Chilling at the park. Making deep connections with his pals.

Playing hard to get (negging - for those who read "The Game"). Or looking confused. The big kids love Sammy!

Playing it cool....

With buddy Baby Owen playing "grab the feet"

Having some tummy time on Nora's bed

Why do these pictures remind me of each other? Is that bad?

 Videos for your amusement