Week 5

Things I have learned:

-1. The guy that takes the passport photos at CVS is not very skilled. David Byrne once wrote “Passport pictures are what people really look like.” This is unfortunate because the CVS guy captured Sammy in a “I’m about to puke if you don’t get me out of here” look. Thanks alot.  

2.       The tattooed guy at the post office that tried to re-take Sammy’s passport photo knows nothing about the rules saying “sure – it’s ok to have a hand in the passport photo”. When we took it to the clerk she effectively called him an idiot and gave us our money back. My favorite part was when he kept touching Sammy with his “we haven’t been washed in months” hands. Thanks to you too, sir.

3.   You can never have enough peepee teepees.

4.  There is this thing called the woombie. We bought one. It’s basically stretchy material and a zipper (parents will buy anything.) But wait – and it helps Sammy sleep for 5 hours during the night. I’m in love.

5. 

The Wipey is the dad’s version of Duct tape

o   Peed on the walls? Wipey.

o   Peed on his face? Wipey.

o   Peed on you? Wipey

o   All of the above but with poop? Wipey.

o   Spilled on your shirt? Wipey.

o   Disarming a bomb? Only when combined with a paper clip, chewing gum and the inventiveness of MacGyver. Or not.

6. Packing for a newborn is like moving. I have never in my life seen one person pack so much stuff for a 2 day trip. Sammy is such a primadonna (though we owe him a debt of gratitude for behaving like an angel on our trip)

7. When you are driving, traffic lights are enemy #1. When you stop, you can hear the silence like in a horror movie – holding your breath waiting for the first “wah” to come before the light changes.

Important statistics we are tracking: 

1. Number of times Sammy waited until I changed his diaper to unleash a poo-nami in the same day: 3

2. Number of times Sammy waited until I was in the middle of changing him to show blue steel and….unload: 2 – in a 3 hour span. And I’m more skilled these days – I can avoid painting the walls with my cat-like reflexes.

3. Weight @ 4 weeks: 50^th percentile

4. Height @ 4 weeks: 90^th Percentile (he’s huge!!) 

5.  # of times Sammy has smiled at me  - faking like he was sleeping – and then opened his eyes back up: too many to count

6.       Number of times I had to taste breast milk (from a bottle!) to know when it’s good vs. spoiled: 1 (they didn’t tell you that before you had one)

7.       Number of times I’ve woken up in the morning cradling a pillow like I was holding Sammy: 2 (for real)

Things I googled last week:

 1. “Newborn sticking out tongue” - (there are apparently 4 different “tongue actions," each meaning a different thing. Sammy, could you just write a note?

 

3.  Newborn “constipation” – again, just to make sure we understand.

Pictures for your amusement:

Sammy's Passport photo

Father and Son have very different tastes in beverages

Drunk on Milk. I always think of that Simpson's episode where Barney yells "Hook it up to my veeeeeeiiins!"

Left: Adult bags. Right: The primadonna's gear

Woombie wakeup sequence

Sammy left a present on our bed in the hotel on Saturday morning. Do you think the maid believed me when I blamed it on our five week old? Thanks buddy....

Becky experiences a real Poo-nami.

Sammy is like the Fresh Prince in that he dresses for himself and not others.

What a difference 5 weeks makes

Week 3/4

Things I have learned:

1.       My wife thinks it's cute when she puts on Samson's pantalones gorditos so he constantly looks like MC hammer.

2.      I officially want to Kick Harvey Karp, the guy in the “Happiest Baby on the Block” movie Danielle made me watch. Really – how come everything this guy (who looks like a 70s ____star) recommends seems to be exactly what Samson hates?

3.       My son has enough Michigan State gear to dress the entire MSU cheerleading squad. Assuming they wanted to wear onesies and baby shoes. Which could be neat.

4.       I now run for the baby whisperer even though I think she is a bit of a jackass.

5.       Samson has 5 identifiable moods:

a.       I just pooped and I’m happy.

b.      I haven’t pooped in a while and I’m unhappy – Mom, please eat some prunes.

c.       I want the boob.

d.      I’ve got the boob and now I’m happy.

e.      Dad, I think it’s time you experienced me being cranky for no reason. Welcome home.

6.       We have become so attentive to Samson’s pooping schedule that Danielle literally sent me an email while I was at work with a picture of a poo-nami’d diaper. And we were both ecstatic.

7.       OK – I take back my happiest baby on the block comment. Maybe, sometimes, he knows what he’s talking about. Damn you Harvey Karp.

8.       When I pick up Samson, he seems to like it when I give him affectionate nick names. My favorites are taking wrestlers from the eighties and referring to him in a baby voice. Examples: “Hello little….

a.       Junkyard Dog

b.      Ultimate Warrior

c.       Hacksaw Jim Duggan

d.      (my favorite) Iron Sheik

Maybe this is more for my amusement than his, but I'm convinced he enjoys it.

9.   As Samson’s eyes begin to focus, it is glaringly apparent when he’s annoyed with me: i.e. “pleasedo notpickmeupwhileI’mtryingtoconcentrateonpooping” or “seriously–stopvideotapingmewhile I’mtryingtopoopbecauseyouthinkit’sfunny.thisisnotajoke.”

Why, you might ask do I think he talks without any spaces between his words? I just do…

10.   It’s funny to make your friends change diapers (good job, Dani)

11.  The term : “Bart”

Bart

      1.      –noun

Usually, a combined burp and fart. As in: Samson barted earlier today. And it was glorious.

12.   Pee in the bath. Check. Poop in the bath. Check, Check.

 

Important statistics we are tracking: 

1. # of times I tried to communicate to Sammy while crying by saying “wah”: 2. And yes, he was annoyed both times.  

2. # of barts in one feeding: 3

3. # of Dirty diapers we made Dani change: 1 (but the mess counts as more like 2-3)

Things I googled last week:

1.       “Newborn not burping after breastfeeding”

2.       “Effect of no R.E.M. sleep on adults" - I googled this after putting the orange juice back into the cupboard one morning before work.

3. "Newborn constipation"

Pictures for your amusement:

  Practicing to be a nun?

Samson's humidifier. I think it looks like a drug dealing penguin.

Blue Steel. You know what that means,

Par for the course after work.

There are some things that I imagine adults think are really cute but baby's think are just ridiculous. Such as hats.

Harvey Karp. Arch Nemesis.

Week 2

Things I have learned:

1.       That I can be torpedoed by more than just pee. And poo (which came as a bit of a shock).

2.       Samson, if he has an upset stomach (or is not burped enough) can puke out of his co-sleeper all over me giving new meaning to the word projectile. Don’t worry. This only happened once. Ok twice. But it happened once when I was wearing a shirt and once when I was not.

3.       When your son shoots out of his crib like he’s in the excorcist to puke on you, it’s going to be a long afternoon.

4.       I will still like Samson even though last Wednesday he had the following stat line:

a.       Average Pees on Dad/hour: 0.75

b.      Puke + Pee on dad combo: 1

5.       They sell just about everything at Buy Buy Baby. Including something called the Pee Pee Teepee (see below). This made me happy and was worth a ½ hour drive.

6.       The term : “Pooper Soaker”

Poo-per Soak-er

      1.      –noun

Usually, a surprise shooting poo that occurs once a diaper is removed. Said poo mimics its namesake, the Super Soaker.

7.       Similar to my learning with the pee, you cannot stop a pooper-soaker (nor should you try to) with your hand. And yes, it was gross.

Important statistics we are tracking:

1.       Number of times I have been peed on: I had to stop counting. I’m banking on the makers of pee pee teepee that they have a good product.

2.       Number of calls to the moyal since the bris: 4 (The rabbi and I have become fast friends)

3.       Consecutive days doing laundry: 5. Seriously. 5.

4.    Percent increase in grey beard hair: 50%. easily.

Things I googled last week:

1.       “Newborn peeing not pooing” – Don’t worry. This was resolved quickly.

2.       “Newborn projectile vomit” – also resolved

3.       “Squeaking sleeping Newborn” 

Pictures for your amusement:

Things can get really goofy at 4am feedings. Like trying on your son's baby hats.

Uncle shai came to visit and had some fun experiences. this was the text he sent out that afternoon...

The stein lower lip in action.

Is this even possible? Thank you diaper Genie

Samson gets a mani - translation: mom and dad want nothing to do with nail scissors.

My savior. Poo-nami 2? or another yawn. maybe both. at once.

Life at home begins...week 1

The bris (holy crap!) craziness has subsided and on we move to week two in young Samson's life!

Things that I have learned:

1)      Samson has a little rebelliousness in him as evidenced by his peeing directly onto the mohel’s shirt before the bris. We’re going to talk to him about timing as this may not have been the smartest move

2)      When your son is on the changing table, and he starts peeing – the panicked reaction of trying to block the spray with a hand: not effective

3)      Labor, Epideural, C-section…..the trauma of all of those combined may not have compared to what Danielle and I experienced with Sammy’s first bath.  Sidenote: we may have rushed this a little. The dialogue of pre-bath discussion for you:

Josh: Are you ready? I’m just about done changing his diaper.

Danielle: No need to put on a diaper – it’s only going to come off any way.

Josh: Really? Ok – I’m coming down to the kitchen – get ready.

Danielle: Almost ready!

Josh: Well get ready fast! I’m walking down the hallway and am in the direct line of fire! He’s sitting bare @$$ed on my hand and I have no protection!

Things only went downhill from there….

4)      When you give a grandparent a grandchild, you get almost as spoiled as they do.

5)      You can use the flashlight app on an iphone to inspect a diaper for poo if the lighting is bad.

Important statistics that we are tracking:

-          Number of times Samson has peed on me:  3 (in one night, and once in the face,plus he covered the wall twice too).

-     Number of times danielle has said "pass me a burp rag, he has pee in his ear": 1 (we're still learning!)

-          Number of feet Samson showed he can projectile poo with his diaper off: 1.5 – 2 (we didn’t break out the measuring tape despite our glowing pride)

-          Times I said "oy" when changing his gauze after his bris: 30 (minimally)

-          Tubes of A&D ointment used since the bris (about 36 hours): 2 large ones

-          Calls to pediatrician with questions: 1 (see things I googled # 4 below)

-     Max # of diapers changed in one day: 20+ (we lost count but each one deducts a day from his college fund)

A new section to the blog will now be included (when appropriate).

Things I googled this week:

1)      “Newborn pee in eye”

2)      “Green or Brown poo newborn”

3)      “Newborn snorting”

4)      “Newborn smelly bellybutton”

 Some pictures for your amusement

Samson is committed to becoming a Jedi - and practices the force in his sleep.



The indoctrination continues



"Mown": Man Gown (He got to wear this during the Bris)

Some cheesy pictures: The proud great grandparents

Bubby and Zaide

Big, Big Zaide