Documentation of fatherhood insanity: Week 15

Things I have learned

- Sammy has a great relationship with his mom. You know, it consists of him repeatedly banging his head into Danielle’s boob like Moses hitting the rock. With his face. Ok, kidding. That only happens half the time.

- Danielle is not accepting of Sammy’s Fāby and Tāby status, as evidenced by the tiny onesies she puts on him that are clinging to the snaps for dear life

- I’ve given Sammy a new nickname: Puddleface. The amount of drool – It’s just amazing. Danielle at one point changed 3 outfits in one day. I’m going to create a drool receptacle just to see how much saliva he can actually produce. I will then try to sell it on Ebay.

- It is mildly disturbing that Samson is going bald! I know this is what happens but the poor guy!

- Apparently there is no better toy that one’s feet. Sammy has discovered them and is pretty much obsessed. It’s only a matter of time before the game “can I fit both fists into my mouth” changes to “Check it out! Foot in mouth!”

- I am jealous of Danielle. Everyday I come home and see Sammy doing something I find incredibly exciting and yell something like “he knows he has feet and is grabbing them!” or “oh my lord! He found his thumb!” and follow it with the question: “Wow! Have you seen this yet?” thinking I’ve just made the discovery of a lifetime. Her standard answer is "yes". But other times Danielle poorly lies and says “no” sheepishly. Either way – well done, Samson.

- Babies, despite the fact that they are always being held and not moving too far are like lint collectors. I think Sammy has worn socks 3 times since June and yet he still manages to have a massive amount of lint between his toes. I could start a company marketing babies as lint collectors. It would make a great late night infomercial

- My wife has the sense of humour of a 12 year old boy.

Case 1: She came to visit me at work this week and I left her to change Sammy in my office so I could run to a meeting. I came back and found a note saying “Enjoy” on my chair. The note was attached to a dirty diaper. Really????

Case 2: I was sitting in a meeting with 20 other people when I received an email from Danielle with the subject line “I yelled and gagged when I saw this”. Let me tell you, the attached picture was….uh….special. It did not involve Sammy’s upper body at all. And it was messy.

- OK – Sammy is ready for size 2 diapers. There is officially no denying it anymore. The scene is 6pm on Friday night. We’re relaxing on the couch, there is a cool breeze blowing and we’re happy it’s the weekend. Here is the scene that unfolded:

Danielle: NO!

Josh: What happened?

Danielle: He just pooped. And it shot out his diaper again. And it’s all over me. And the couch.

Bonus: Part 2 of this lovely sequence featured some deep irony:

Josh: What can I do?

Danielle: pick him up and change him

Josh: ok (snickering under my breath)

Danielle: It’s everywhere!

Josh: [laughing]

Sammy, always one to appreciate irony, then proceeded to spit up all over me.

- The term : “Snart”

S-nart

1. –noun

Usually, a term used to signify the moments when one’s baby farts and sneezes at the same time. Not to be confused with “Shart” (which happens too).

Example: Edgar the baby just snarted. It was lovely.

How to hire a nanny in New York:

Step 1: look at 52 page powerpoint presentation on www.parkslopenanny.com to analyze piles of data that will make you feel bad about the cost of living in New York

- Step 2: Do not let negotiations linger such that your wife repeatedly tells you that you are a failure

- Step 3: Do not comment on the rash that your wife broke out with due to the stress.

- Step 4: Avoid negotiating the rates yourself – before getting a reaction from potential nanny

- Step 5: Do find an awesome nanny (woohoo!)

- Step 6: DO NOT do the math to see that your wife going back to work will in fact be a net loss due to high cost of nannyhood (I mean monetary loss – not quality of life of course)

Important statistics we are tracking:

- Number of times Sammy looked at his feet in amazement as if to say “Shit! They’re still here!

- Amount of time spent discovering feet: countless hours. Only to be forgotten the next day.

- Number of times I asked Danielle if it was necessary to let Samson cry it out at nap time during a 6 minute duration: too many to count – I’m a sissy

Disturbing news of the week/Too tired moment of the week

- As we are going to bed one night, Danielle informs me that at one point during the day she accidentally left one of Sammy’s balls sticking out of his diaper for a while – and asked me if I thought he might have hurt it. WHAT!??!

New Section: The commiseration section for other new dads (and Moms).

Some people started sending in their hilarious experiences of the week - Every once in a while I'll throw one in the blog so we can all have a good laugh (anonymously of course). Feel free to send yours and it might make it in. This week's submission was awesome:

- Things Googled: 'What to do when a newborn pee's on its umbilical cord?'

This in reference to a little girl. How is that possible?!

Pictures for your amusement